I've been quite afraid to return to my blog to dust the pages of memories written by a hurting teenager. I guess you could say that she has grown up but hasn't outgrown the pain.

A lot has changed in my life, yet a lot has remained the same. 

I still believe in Jesus, but I don't know if I love Him as much - I think the pain and disappointments I experienced have led me to this. It's odd because every single time something unexpected or something "bad" happens in my life, I always tell myself that God is giving me good stories and relatability to serve Him. But the more it happens, the more I find myself wondering if He's even on my side. Like why do I have to experience everything in hard mode? And what is serving even? I do thank God for all the good that happen in my life, though. But it's just tough when everything else is hard. 

2022 was an utter joke and I'm still experiencing the aftershocks. Physically I was diagnosed Anaemic and mentally I was diagnosed with Clinical Depression and Anxiety Disorder. It's really not a fun combo because I'm constantly light headed and tired, and I don't know if I need an iron pill or xanax.

My sister calls me a depressed clown.

I've been working in a company that I've always wanted to be in for the past 3.7 years (yes, insane - it's a record). Being here is exciting and something that I'm proud of, yet it's also the cause of a lot of my anxiety and triggers. Maybe I'm still a kid who needs instant gratification. Maybe I'm really just sick in the head. I don't even know anymore. But at least they sponsor my meetings with my therapist and pay for most of my appointments with my psychiatrist.

I'm turning 32 this year. But I'm acting like I'm 23. My brother says it's regression.
But then again, I've never really grown from that hurt teenager at 15.

Maybe it's just a bad day and I'm rambling as an upset individual.
I promise I'm usually not this jaded - I hope.

Mich